dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize