i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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