I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Randomize
