Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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