Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
