Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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