i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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