Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
