So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
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