I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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