I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
