God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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