so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
