I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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