Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
