why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
