I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
