I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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