what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
