Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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