So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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