I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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