I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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