don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Randomize
