what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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