i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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