Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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