not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize