he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
