you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
