the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
