So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
