mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
