if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
