I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
This toilet bowl is my home.
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