Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Randomize
