if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize