We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
