I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
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