It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize