my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
