I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
