i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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