you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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