I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
