70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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