I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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