I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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