Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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