You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
