this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Small penises have feelings too.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize