How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
