twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
