for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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