i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
