but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
