just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
