she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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