I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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