So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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